More Steampunkery...

A Steampunk Christmas

Round 1....

Round 2...

Standing vigil...

   It's been a long night.

  

  We are on night three of a horrible virus for my sweet baby.  I don't think any person likes to feel the kind of hopelessness that creeps in when you sit, alone, in the dark, watching your child sleep on a stretcher.  I smooth her hair back, a thousand times before I realize that I'm not doing it because it's bothering her.  She is finally asleep- the first time she's slept at all in days.  After probably the thousand and one stroke, I recognize what it is.  It's an invocation.  

  I've struggled a lot lately with my inability to 'hear God'. I recognize that my twitchy, 'multitasking is a must' personality probably means that I have too much noise happening inside my head to hear Him.  I find it interesting that the God that roars chooses to whisper to His children sometimes.  So here, with my chair drawn as close as it can get to the stretcher, my feet propped on the base, I sit and I watch.

  I also realize that I feel the need to fill any conversation with God full to the brim with words, as if I was letting Him know the important information.  For once, I don't do the talking.  I don't even remember beginning the conversation, much less who initiated it.  Somewhere in touching her cheeks, I realize I'm not checking for her temperature anymore.  

  In touching her cheek, I am commending her to her Father.  It's a prayer of thanks, of love and of concern each time, wordless, but I know He understands.

  At some point, I can't say when,  I realized I am not standing watch alone.  Remember I haven't slept at all through all of this either with the exception of a few seconds snatched while rocking her on the bathroom floor.  Maybe the sleep deprivation helps.  Either way, it got me thinking.

  The word 'vigil' comes from the Latin 'vigilia', referring to an 'intentional sleeplessness'.  Wikipedia (God bless hospital intranet access) is very specific in stating it was a purposeful watchfulness, often associated with devotion.  

  My first question was how do I stand vigil?  

  I sit near enough that she knows I am here, even while she sleeps.  I am close enough that she will see me as soon as she opens her eyes.  I dodn't want her to be scared if she wakes in the dark in a strange place.  I'm as tightly strung as a bow string, ready to provide whatever she neededs, which as of late has been a trashcan.  I watch intently enough that the nurses are comfortable giving me basic instructions and leaving us be- they can see that they can trust me to take care of her.  

  Why did I stand vigil?  That question has a lot of answers.  

  I watch because I care.  Because I love her.  I watch because she is mine, both in responsibility and joyful gift.  I watch because she needs me.  I watch because to not watch would drive me crazy.  I can't even stand to not touch her.  I watch (and soothe) because I can't stand to see her pain.  

  The logical side of my brain queried what is actually accomplished by my vigil?  

  I know that God was watches over her.  In fact, I am sure, beyond any doubt, that He is watching her at this moment.  I'm also aware that He is watching over her exhausted mama and her bruised heart.   I am acutely aware of how quickly things that seem benign can turn in to a nightmare that is capable of swallowing you whole.  I understand that He keeps her safe, not me.  I watch because I can't stand to do nothing, even when I know it won't actually do anything to lessen her discomfort.  

  Finally, it has occurred to me that I am simply interceding for her because she is in need.  I can recognize that the Lord watches over us constantly.  Flipping through a website I like to use for my bible research, I came across a verse in Exodus 12... "the Lord kept vigil that night to bring them out of Egypt... (vs.42)".

  Here we see the Lord, who continually kept an eye on his chosen people in bondage, recognized that they needed a little extra care on this night before they headed into a hectic season of their lives.  It felt like the Lord knows that Courtney needs a little extra care tonight.  

   How was God watching over us in that room?  

  I've already mentioned the uncanny feeling of Him being in the room, keeping me company in my watch.  Psalm 121 seemed to get me started in the right direction.  It indicated a few things about my watchmate:

² My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm —
    he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore. 

   

  He's not going to fall asleep.  He won't miss a single detail.  

  Why God watched over Courtney and I through the night seemed like a very simple answer, and was very similar to my own.  It was as if He were repeating my own answers back to me:

       I watch because I care- about your body, about your heart and about your soul.

I watch because I love you both.

I watch because you are mine, both in responsibility and joyful creation.

I watch because you need me.  

I watch because to not watch would drive me crazy, I want to be with you.

I watch, and I comfort because I can't stand to see you in pain. 

  What is accomplished by His watch?  

  I think I needed a reminder that this is the One who made the stars.  The One who made the human body such a wonderful and intricate system, reflecting His love for perfection and detail.  It became less of a question of what was accomplished by His watch (that was obvious), but what He was teaching me in showing me His own vigil.  I recognize that He will keep us both safe.  That as dedicated as I am in my attention on my daughter, it is incomparable to the care and dedication He lavishes on us both.  The best of my parental intentions, as pure as my heart may be at times in that duty, I can't even grasp how His own heart beats for mine.

  Even leaving the hospital, I now have a very intense feeling that He is still watching and simply waiting for my mind to comprehend the things He has made clear through the use of a dark, quiet room in the middle of the night. 

Cutting It Out...

Things I don't have to buy anymore....

Shampoo

Conditioner

Lip Balm (like that'll stop me anyways...)

Lip Scrub

Lotion

Soap

Bubble Bath

Bath Bombs

Laundry Soap

and now.....  Fabric Softener :)

  Have I mentioned how much I _love_ Pinterest?  I found this link for a homemade fabric softener on a blog called "One Good Thing".  To be honest, I would like to eventually eliminate the conditioner just for the fact of all of the chemicals, but I figured it's a start, and quite frankly, I have a ton of conditioner freebies from couponing and no free fabric sheets :D  Necessity is the mother of invention, or something along those lines, right?

The recipe Jill uses involves 6 cups of water, 3 cups of vinegar and 2 cups of conditioner. 

That's it.

Really.

I used a tropical coconut conditioner from Suave and made a half batch to try it out.  I'm a little obsessive, so I put the whisk attachment on my stick blender and attempted to make it as homogenous as possible.... 

She suggests spritzing it on a dishtowel and throwing it in the dryer or even adding it to the washer just like you would any other liquid softener.  I picked the dishtowel method...and now we wait... for the dryer to buzz :)