What happens?

What happens when God gives us more than we can bear?

I know, it's taboo to even say that.  I've heard that same line so many thousands of times- always from the ones that seem to have it all together.  Like a pat on the head, a 'tisk tisk' shaking their heads and thinking to themselves that the person will eventually figure it out.  Bless their hearts.

   But what happens when it's us?  When we are at the end of our rope and can't keep going, but can't see a way out of the dark either? I've always thought of this as being at the bottom of a pit- and believe me, my pit was deep & dark. I've been there.

   First- let's clarify that line we get all the time.  I Corinthians 10:13 says "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

   Sounds a little different now, huh?

   It dawned on me this morning, as I was getting ready for church, that this often (mis)quoted line could be directly linked to another for us.  Philippians 4:13 tells us that "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

   Not to be a downer, but can I point out here that no where does it say this is going to be a cake walk? The fact is, life sucks sometimes.  I know- another thing I'm not supposed to say.  Right.  But if we ignore this fact, we're just planning for failure in our faith.  I believe God disciplines through tough times because he loves us.  I believe he will allow things to happen at times that find us in the bottom of our pit, searching the dark with outstretched hands for the ladder that isn't there.  We just don't learn the easy way and avoid the pit.  Do others? I don't know- probably.  I know that's not me.  A lot of us go...and go....and go, relying on only ourselves, or maybe our token faith- the kind that is only deep enough to say 'bless you' when you sneeze.  It's in the bottom of that pit when you think that you're completely alone, that you find God.  Most of the time, he's the only one that will get down in the pit with you.  In my case, he sent someone down with a ladder until I was ready to hear it straight from him.

    So what does it look like when we're walking straight for that pit? It.  Looks.  Awesome.

    Admit it- when things are good, we're on God's team!  When they go bad? We blame God, we question him, or we assume he has left us.  Elijah went through this whole emotional roller coaster too.

    I Kings 18 shows Elijah at a high point.  He has just called out the jerk king and totally kicked butt when God shot fire from heaven and incinerated his offering.

    That.  Rocks.

    I'd love to win just one measly argument by God sending fire from the sky.  I'd settle for spontaneous combustion.  Not gonna happen.  So here Elijah basically back hands 850 false prophets and a king that had ultimate power in the land.

    Then the she-devil steps in.

    This girl is bad. So bad that Elijah heads for the hills at a dead run.  I know- what the heck? You just witnessed your champion blow the snot out of a drenched side of beef, and now you're freaking out? Nice. Real nice.  But can we really say that ourselves?  I hate being in the midst of whining about something not going my way, only to have some obnoxiously cheerful person point out the amazing things that have happened...just today... ugh.

    Now take a look at what else happens in chapter 19.  Elijah was so depressed (and self-obsessed) at the time, that he totally zoned out for not one but _two_ angelic visits!!!  I hope I would pull my head out from under the pillow long enough to notice an angel dropping off Starbucks, but I'm pretty sure I missed a couple of those coffee runs.

    Elijah continues on his downward spiral- we're talking full on teen angst.  What? You never went to your cave and sulked?  I seem to recall begging to paint my room dark colors and blaring angry music.  You know I'm right... you're probably even smirking in memory, aren't you?  So here he is, in the cave, alone.

    Now God speaks up.

    Was he neglecting Elijah? No.  I don't think that's even remotely accurate.  I think God doesn't need to beg for our attention.  He waits patiently for us to recognize his voice in that dark pit. Don't ever think that God won't call you out either though.  If you hired a contractor to paint your house, wouldn't you say something if he weren't doing it?  One of our biggest mistakes is seeing our potential through our eyes, not our creator's eyes.
    When God asks Elijah what he's doing in the cave, Elijah answers in a very human way, explaining what events led to his hideout.  I just don't buy the idea that's what he was asking.  God leads him outside and proceeds to put on a display of his might- tearing mountains apart, sending earthquakes, winds and fires.
    Then, God turns back to Elijah and repeats his question. See, he wasn't in the wind, or any of the other flashy bits- he didn't need to be.  He was the whisper after the chaos.  I think he recognized what Elijah needed.  When we are broken down, distraught, emotionally and physically exhausted, God finds us at our most raw.  I think it's in every person to fear what it's going to be like finally facing God after running for so long.  He comes to us in the bottom of that pit in a gentle whisper.  He comes to soothe and heal, not shake a finger and slap us around.

_That_ is love.

_That_ is mercy.

_That_ is grace.

     Now it clicks.  God had just shown him his might and power. What did Elijah have to fear with a God like that caring for him- protecting him? Now..... what are you doing in a cave again?

    How do you get out of your cave? First, know that he wasn't in the wind, just like he isn't in your divorce.  I know, that sounds harsh.  He didn't punish you with the childhood you had.  But don't think for a second he can't pull you out of that pit.  Second, start learning what you're worth to him.  As unbelievable as it might sound- I know.  It took me awhile to get my head wrapped around that too.  You can't begin to understand the freaking awesome plans he has for you and start living up to your potential if you don't understand his love for you.  Start there.  But wherever you go with it, get moving.  You've been in that cave long enough.

More Steampunkery...

A Steampunk Christmas

Round 1....

Round 2...

Standing vigil...

   It's been a long night.

  

  We are on night three of a horrible virus for my sweet baby.  I don't think any person likes to feel the kind of hopelessness that creeps in when you sit, alone, in the dark, watching your child sleep on a stretcher.  I smooth her hair back, a thousand times before I realize that I'm not doing it because it's bothering her.  She is finally asleep- the first time she's slept at all in days.  After probably the thousand and one stroke, I recognize what it is.  It's an invocation.  

  I've struggled a lot lately with my inability to 'hear God'. I recognize that my twitchy, 'multitasking is a must' personality probably means that I have too much noise happening inside my head to hear Him.  I find it interesting that the God that roars chooses to whisper to His children sometimes.  So here, with my chair drawn as close as it can get to the stretcher, my feet propped on the base, I sit and I watch.

  I also realize that I feel the need to fill any conversation with God full to the brim with words, as if I was letting Him know the important information.  For once, I don't do the talking.  I don't even remember beginning the conversation, much less who initiated it.  Somewhere in touching her cheeks, I realize I'm not checking for her temperature anymore.  

  In touching her cheek, I am commending her to her Father.  It's a prayer of thanks, of love and of concern each time, wordless, but I know He understands.

  At some point, I can't say when,  I realized I am not standing watch alone.  Remember I haven't slept at all through all of this either with the exception of a few seconds snatched while rocking her on the bathroom floor.  Maybe the sleep deprivation helps.  Either way, it got me thinking.

  The word 'vigil' comes from the Latin 'vigilia', referring to an 'intentional sleeplessness'.  Wikipedia (God bless hospital intranet access) is very specific in stating it was a purposeful watchfulness, often associated with devotion.  

  My first question was how do I stand vigil?  

  I sit near enough that she knows I am here, even while she sleeps.  I am close enough that she will see me as soon as she opens her eyes.  I dodn't want her to be scared if she wakes in the dark in a strange place.  I'm as tightly strung as a bow string, ready to provide whatever she neededs, which as of late has been a trashcan.  I watch intently enough that the nurses are comfortable giving me basic instructions and leaving us be- they can see that they can trust me to take care of her.  

  Why did I stand vigil?  That question has a lot of answers.  

  I watch because I care.  Because I love her.  I watch because she is mine, both in responsibility and joyful gift.  I watch because she needs me.  I watch because to not watch would drive me crazy.  I can't even stand to not touch her.  I watch (and soothe) because I can't stand to see her pain.  

  The logical side of my brain queried what is actually accomplished by my vigil?  

  I know that God was watches over her.  In fact, I am sure, beyond any doubt, that He is watching her at this moment.  I'm also aware that He is watching over her exhausted mama and her bruised heart.   I am acutely aware of how quickly things that seem benign can turn in to a nightmare that is capable of swallowing you whole.  I understand that He keeps her safe, not me.  I watch because I can't stand to do nothing, even when I know it won't actually do anything to lessen her discomfort.  

  Finally, it has occurred to me that I am simply interceding for her because she is in need.  I can recognize that the Lord watches over us constantly.  Flipping through a website I like to use for my bible research, I came across a verse in Exodus 12... "the Lord kept vigil that night to bring them out of Egypt... (vs.42)".

  Here we see the Lord, who continually kept an eye on his chosen people in bondage, recognized that they needed a little extra care on this night before they headed into a hectic season of their lives.  It felt like the Lord knows that Courtney needs a little extra care tonight.  

   How was God watching over us in that room?  

  I've already mentioned the uncanny feeling of Him being in the room, keeping me company in my watch.  Psalm 121 seemed to get me started in the right direction.  It indicated a few things about my watchmate:

² My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm —
    he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore. 

   

  He's not going to fall asleep.  He won't miss a single detail.  

  Why God watched over Courtney and I through the night seemed like a very simple answer, and was very similar to my own.  It was as if He were repeating my own answers back to me:

       I watch because I care- about your body, about your heart and about your soul.

I watch because I love you both.

I watch because you are mine, both in responsibility and joyful creation.

I watch because you need me.  

I watch because to not watch would drive me crazy, I want to be with you.

I watch, and I comfort because I can't stand to see you in pain. 

  What is accomplished by His watch?  

  I think I needed a reminder that this is the One who made the stars.  The One who made the human body such a wonderful and intricate system, reflecting His love for perfection and detail.  It became less of a question of what was accomplished by His watch (that was obvious), but what He was teaching me in showing me His own vigil.  I recognize that He will keep us both safe.  That as dedicated as I am in my attention on my daughter, it is incomparable to the care and dedication He lavishes on us both.  The best of my parental intentions, as pure as my heart may be at times in that duty, I can't even grasp how His own heart beats for mine.

  Even leaving the hospital, I now have a very intense feeling that He is still watching and simply waiting for my mind to comprehend the things He has made clear through the use of a dark, quiet room in the middle of the night. 

Cutting It Out...

Things I don't have to buy anymore....

Shampoo

Conditioner

Lip Balm (like that'll stop me anyways...)

Lip Scrub

Lotion

Soap

Bubble Bath

Bath Bombs

Laundry Soap

and now.....  Fabric Softener :)

  Have I mentioned how much I _love_ Pinterest?  I found this link for a homemade fabric softener on a blog called "One Good Thing".  To be honest, I would like to eventually eliminate the conditioner just for the fact of all of the chemicals, but I figured it's a start, and quite frankly, I have a ton of conditioner freebies from couponing and no free fabric sheets :D  Necessity is the mother of invention, or something along those lines, right?

The recipe Jill uses involves 6 cups of water, 3 cups of vinegar and 2 cups of conditioner. 

That's it.

Really.

I used a tropical coconut conditioner from Suave and made a half batch to try it out.  I'm a little obsessive, so I put the whisk attachment on my stick blender and attempted to make it as homogenous as possible.... 

She suggests spritzing it on a dishtowel and throwing it in the dryer or even adding it to the washer just like you would any other liquid softener.  I picked the dishtowel method...and now we wait... for the dryer to buzz :)

The Missing Christmas Lamb

This morning we finally set up the Christmas trees!  I say finally because I prefer to put them up the day after Thanksgiving, but it has been a very busy couple of weeks to say the least!  As we finished up the last string of lights, Cole reminded me of the Missing Christmas Lamb.

A couple of years ago, I had bought a cute little nativity scene from the Family Christian Bookstore.  Courtney was just about to turn 4 the next month, and was very interested in the little figures.  Every time she would walk by the foyer table, I would see her stop and look at the little dressed up children.  It warmed my heart to see her kiss her little finger and touch the baby Jesus. 
Maybe it was seeing her stop there everyday that made me look at the scene each time I passed, but whatever the reason, I noticed something was 'off' one day.

The lamb was gone. 

I checked under the table, I looked in the kitchen.  I even looked in the dogs' kennel.  I couldn't find the lamb anywhere. 
Now if it had been the baby Jesus missing, I would have asked Courtney about it right off the bat.  In this case, I asked Cole if he knew where the lamb had gone.

"Courtney was petting it this morning."

Hmmm.... suspicious.

I went and found Courtney playing in her room.
"Courtney, do you know where the little lamb from the table is?"
Big eyes.
Ah ha.
"Courtney, where's the lamb?"
Big eyes. Sigh.
"Jesus' lamb?" she asked, careful not to make eye contact.
"Yes, that one."

Another sigh.  She reluctantly put down her baby doll and went to her bed.  Her little hand slid under the pillow and retrieved the little lamb.
I thought it was so cute that she loved that little lamb so much she just had to keep him is a special place close to her. 

Follow my erratic thought pattern here for a second...
The lamb reminded me of how Jesus is the Lamb of God.  Jesus is also considered the Word of God. 
Psalm 119:11 says "I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you." 
Aren't we supposed to keep Jesus and his words in our hearts?  Courtney seemed to be understanding this is a very sweet and simple child's way.

The next thought that occurred to me in the symbolism of the situation is how often the Lamb is lost in Christmas and goes unnoticed.  A very sobering thought for sure. 
We played music all morning while we fluffed branches and strung lights.  I can only recall two that mentioned Jesus' birth.

My children know the reason for the season (excuse the corny line).  They know it's essentially a big birthday party for the Savior.  But maybe we need to work on infusing Him into every little moment of the holiday instead of just being pleasantly surprised when an obvious reference pops up.

The lamb is back on the table. 

Now to work on getting the Lamb back in everything else :)

"She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins."  Matthew 1:21

Laundry Soap

Sorry, that's the most inventive title I'm up to today... my eyes are still stinging from the ammonia (see facebook post for blonde moment of the day details O_O)

So I had to make a quick stop by Wal-mart for a few essentials yesterday.  I dont' know about you, but these little stops usually land me close to $100 poorer every time.  And let me just say I _loathe_ paying so much for laundry soap and dish soap.  I guess that comes from getting it free from a friendly neighbor in Corpus Christi.  It's taken us 3 years to go through all of the tubs of dish soap she gave us!

I searched for a good laundry recipe and landed on this one from www.thyhandhathprovided.blogspot.com 
Jane has all kinds of great recipes and inspirations for getting back to basics and out of the stores ;)

Of course, I was looking this up in the middle of the Wal-mart isle on my phone via Pintrest (another note, if you're not browsing pintrest.com you're missing out on life.  Seriously.)

I was ecstatic when Walmart had all 3 ingredients I needed!  You have to understand, I live in a geographical and commercial oddity.  We are 1 1/2 hrs away from ANYTHING you might actually need unless it's bread and milk!  Here's how the recipe went:

1 (5 gallon) bucket
long handled spoon
container to store the finished soap in (*think clean juice or random plastic jug)
hot tap water
1 Fels-Naptha Laundry Soap Bar (*or Ivory soap bar for sensitive skin, Castile soap for SUPER sensitive skin or baby laundry detergent-- see links at bottom of page)
1 c washing soda
1/2 c borax

(my alterations have an *)

I was a little hesitant about where I was going to store 5 gallons of laundry soap, to I divided the recipe and made a 1/4 batch.  My finished amount was about 1.5 gallons.  If you make the full recipe, it makes 5 g of concentrate and 10 g of ready-to-use.

1.  Grate the laundry soap bar and add to a medium sauce pan with 4 c of water.  Heat over med-hi heat and stir occasionally until the soap is completely melted.  *This may take a little time, but you really want to get it ALL melted down!
2.  While that's melting, fill your large bucket of choice (*I used a big 2 gallon glass jar)  half full with HOT tap water.
3.  Once the bar is melted, add it to the hot water in the bucket along with the borax and washing soda.  Stir well until everything is dissolved (*Seriously- mix well.  This is the easiest point to mix, much more difficult once it's gelled) These pics are of the gelled concentrate:

4. Add enough HOT tap water to finish filling the bucket and stir again.
5.  Cover tightly and let it sit overnight to thicken, *and it will!  Stir again in the morning.

When you're ready to use it, stir the detergent well and then fill the old detergent bottle (or whatever easy to handle jug you're going to use) half full, then fill the reminder with water.  Shake well before each use.
For top loading machines, use 5/8 c per load.  For from loading, 1/4 c.

Once you get the hang of it, you can experiment with adding a few drops of essential oils to the mix for a nice scent.  The Fels-Naptha bar has a strong clean scent when you grate it, but it's diluted considerably by the time you use it. 

An extra tip is to add vinegar to the rinse cycle!  My friend Erika suggests a 1/2 c for every load. This will remove any residue from the detergent and soften clothes nicely.  Believe it or not, you will NOT smell the vinegar once it dries...I'm still trying to convince people of this with my shampoo bars ;)  But, should you....oh, I don't know.....mix up the ammonia bottle and the vinegar bottle (hypothetically of course) you WILL smell that for sure.  I'm not sure if it was the ammonia stinging or my pride stinging O_O...... ammonia is now safely in the garage :D


If you're looking for Castile or Bastile (90% olive oil, 10% coconut oil) soap, check out these pages on etsy:
Castile
Bastile