Practice Makes Perseverance

I am a failure.

I fall short on everything.  I’m not patient enough with my children.  There is always laundry in the basket.  I consistently come way too close to the limit of my grocery budget.  There is never a day that something doesn’t happen to remind me that I am inadequate.

I doubt I’m alone in this realization, but you have to keep in mind how much this rattles my little brain.  I’m the girl that straightens the placemats. Every time I walk by.  Even when it’s not my house.  I’m the one that will notice the brown shoes/black belt combo.  My husband laughs about how crazy my antics are, but I don’t think he realizes how deep it goes for me.

I was raised to understand the concept of “fearing the Lord”.  He gave you rules, you don’t cut it- he’s not happy.  No squishy, lovey-dovey pat on the head.  Remember Sodom and Gomorrah?  The flood?  The ten plagues?  Yeah- THAT guy.  It wasn’t until I had children that I began to understand the loving side of God.  You would think the compassion and love filling the pages of my bible would set me at ease.  Nope.  Quite the opposite.  A god that adores me, watches over me and allowed his son to die for me?  Talk about pressure!  All of the sudden, the fear I had known turned to guilt.

Until yesterday.  The god that sees my heart knew what it needed and chose this week to lay some serious truth on it!  I’m always floored by his timing!  I love how a message I’m handed one day is echoed the next in a completely different way.

Round one?  The realization that “conversion” to a follower of Christ is a journey, not a destination.  This particular truth was given to me by my pastor.  His example was Paul and Peter, a character I recently discovered I can identify with!  The problem was I expected a Paul-style conversion.  Jesus was supposed to show up, shake me by the shoulders, and then make everything in my life different from there on out. 

Self-control?

No problem!

Money problems?

Yeah right!

Disagreements?

Me? No!

But it didn’t happen.  I was more Peter than Paul.  I remember walking into the baptismal pool thinking, “This is going to fix everything!”.  I wasn’t wrong in my estimation of God’s power, I was wrong in expecting to pop out of the water a newly formed, perfect Christian.  I found out I am not a PopTart.

Paul’s letter to the Romans seems like a profile of my life: “… the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing…” (Romans 7:19 NIV).  I can’t explain my relief to hear someone else say it.

Round two came Monday morning.  I had come to understand that I’m on a road-trip and God understands that.  He doesn’t expect me to be perfect, and even loves me despite it!  I still secretly wondered when he would start chipping away at my “type A” personality.  After all, weren’t all Christians nice, docile, mousey people?  Immediately the “you’re not the right type” doubts began sneaking in again.  Then I read more about my sandaled twin.

In John 13, when Jesus attempts to wash Peter’s feet, ever-out-spoken Peter speaks up.  Come on- remember who this is??  The Lord of lords?  Washing my dirty ol’ feet? 

I don’t think so.

But when Jesus explains, I can’t help but think he may have smiled just a little at Peter’s enthusiastic response.  Peter and I?  We’re the “go hard or go home” type (insert rock and roll hand sign here). 

So off to my bible concordance I went.  The word I seemed to be getting was “persevere”.  I found lots of scriptures about persevering and interestingly quite a few were coupled with the term “confidence”.  One in particular seemed to hit the nail on the head.  Hebrews 10:35-36 admonishes “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised” (NIV).  This is no timid statement.  First we’re told not to lose our confidence, but then it tells us why.  It doesn’t say “if you manage to pull off a miracle and get something right”. It says when you succeed. Yes, it will be work.  I haven’t yet found a scripture saying “thou shalt have a cake walk”.  But you’ve got two guarantees: you can make it and you will be rewarded.  God doesn’t bail out.  Ever.  I always liked the mental image of casting my crowns at Christ’s feet.  And let me tell you, I want to have a big, shiny, beautiful one to toss!  James 1:12 really reiterates this for me: “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised…” (NIV).   Again- “will”, not “maybe, if you’re lucky”.

The third point came as a sigh of relief for my little choleric heart.  We are told to go about our path boldly.  Not even a sentence after his guarantee for the achievement of our goal, he tells us “if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him”. (Hebrews 10:38 NIV)

So I believe I have learned these things.  One- I am not a screw-up.  I am human.  I don’t have to question whether I am saved or not.  Jesus’ thumbprints are all over me.  I have all the more reason to keep pushing boldly on. 

Will I hit hurdles? 

Undoubtedly. 

Will I trip occasionally?

 Yep. 

But now I’m not scared of failing.  When those nagging voices creep in, telling me I’ve already fallen so many times, what’s one more?  I know I’ve got the cheat codes- I will win.  This time, next time and in the end. 

What will my first step be? 

I wrote this, didn’t I?